dreaming

I have spent the last few months of this season thinking about what I would write in this blogpost. Wondering how I can conceptualize the rollercoaster of emotions I have experienced as my “final year as a ski racer” nears its end without the fairy tale ending I had dreamed of. I have spent the majority of my life working towards goals and dreams in this sport that I now will be laying to rest, and I spent the season watching these dreams fall through my fingers, making me question the years I have devoted to this sport, whether it is actually time to move on, and trying to come to terms with the feeling of failure associated with moving on without having reached the heights I had worked towards for so long. However, as I sit on the plane flying back from Nationals I am not filled with the tears and disappointment I had anticipated, but rather I am filled with a deep deep gratitude towards this sport and the people I’ve met along the way and a recognition that the word “retirement” does not fit my current situation.

During the flight I listened to a podcast interviewing Shalane Flanagan where she mentioned that she has no idea what her life would have looked like without running, and her words really resonated with me; skiing has not just been my sport over the past years, but it has been my life, shaping the person I am today. I have experienced my highest highs and lowest lows in this sport, and ski racing had a way of forcing me to confront aspects of myself and learn lessons that I doubt I would have experienced elsewhere, such as: how to come back from rock bottom and keep trying, recognizing that more lessons come from failure than success, the importance of being on a team and how my actions influence those around me, recognizing that loving something doesn’t mean I’ll love it every day and that it’s those training days that were battles that I remember the most, that winning and success are two different things, the importance of quality over quantity, skiing hard doesn’t always mean skiing fast, recovery is just as important as working hard and if I don’t prioritize it my body/mind will make me, that I am strong, resilient, and gritty and that who I am is more than what I do.  

Through this journey I have also had the privilege of: traveling for ski races, experiencing nature in all her finest, pushing myself beyond what I thought was possible, knowing the incredible feeling of crossing a finish line having gone my hardest, meeting wonderful people and making lifelong friends along the way.

Once I spent time thinking about what I’ve done and what I’m moving on to (PhD at University College Cork, Ireland, starting this Fall!) I started to realize that “retirement” doesn’t feel like the right word, because the fact that I love skiing, adventuring, and competing isn’t going to go away as I move onto the next chapter of my life, it will simply look a little different. I am not hanging up my skis, but I am carrying them with me as I move onto this next stage of my life. Will I make a return to the race scene in the future? I can’t say for certain, but I can say that wherever life takes me I’ll still be exercising outside in all weather conditions, tackling new challenges, learning new lessons, and feeling grateful for my years as a high performance athlete and for the people I’ve met along the way.

Thank you to the ski community for supporting me on this journey, especially to my closest ski communities of Nakkertok and Carleton. It was an honour to represent you over the years.

Thank you to all the coaches I’ve had the privilege of working with. A special shoutout to the coach who’s been here the longest, Kieran, who supported me in creating my own ski journey, weathered the ups downs with me, and who I could always count on to listen to my current ski/life musings.

Thank you to my teammates for the good conversations, fun adventures, painful solidarity in tough workouts, and inspiring me through your hard-work and determination.

Thank you to my family for believing in me more then I believed in myself, celebrating with me through the highs, supporting me through the lows, and for the countless hours spent training together.

Thank you to my sister Bronwyn for being my #1 training buddy over the years: driving into countless practices with me, waking up at early hours to go to the gym and then spending the whole day in town, writing exams in the afternoon after racing in the morning, pushing me through workouts, making me suffer through crazy core sessions, and reminding me that having fun racing and treating racing seriously are not mutually exclusive. I feel blessed to have shared this journey with you and I can’t wait to see where yours goes.

As the lyrics in one of my favourite songs goes: “Is it the knowing? Is it the seeing? Or is it the dreaming?”; I may not have reached the heights I’d worked towards in this sport, but I feel so lucky to have been filled with dreams all these years. Thank you for dreaming with me.

– Zoë